i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
