mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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