Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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