Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
