I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
