Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Randomize
