I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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