if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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