Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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