My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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