My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
