If that was your dad, he is hot
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
