so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
