worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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