i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
