so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
