Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
