if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
