sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
