I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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