The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
