My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
