I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
