I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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