is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
