peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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