my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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