yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
