Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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