It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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