i may or may not be watching the land before time
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
