apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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