So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
