why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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