i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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