you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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