I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
