I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
