Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
