I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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