mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
