I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
