Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
