the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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