I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
