I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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