What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
