i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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