GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I forget how to act sober
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
