Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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