I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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